Dogfunk.com Newsletter Articles

BWAAAA-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE!! The alarm smashes through my sleep like rocks through warehouse windows, only not nearly as fun. “Damn, what time is it?” I press the nightlight on my Rotolog: 4am. It better be dumping outside or I’m gonna be pissed I didn’t catch the end of that dream. I flick at the blinds and see nothing but white love. Stoked.

I jump out of bed, pull on my thermals, throw some bread in the toaster, and crack a PBR to keep last night’s party from turning into today’s hell-on-earth. I’ll need smooth wits for the pre-dawn urban ops ahead, a city rail assault session. This early in the season, even with this early Wasatch storm, the mountain is still super rocky. But these are prime urban warfare conditions.

I grab my concrete camo of choice—a Ronin ALS jacket, some Special Blend Rocca Farm pants that look like jeans, Espionage gloves (how fitting), and a pair of Destroyer boots—all perfect for tech rails and less conspicuous to the 5-0. With my Dominant in one hand, I flip open my cell as I head out the door. “Pedro, meet me at the school in 10. It’s shred-thirty and the piggies are snuggled warm in their beds while visions of donuts dance in their heads.”

Right on time, Peter shows up with two smoking cups of caffeinated black goodness. Too early for jibber jabber and with no time to waste, Peter gets after it, throwing down a mean backside lipslide, 270 out. So much for warming up. We hit the school rail a dozen times and then move on. Just like street skating, staying in one place too long is the fastest way to pick up the cuffs, a hefty fine, and possibly jail time. Here in SLC, the Man even created a ticket specifically targeted to snowboarders riding rails. A few years ago, people hadn’t even heard of snowboarding; today, we get our own ticket. Now that’s cool in a twisted I-just-peed-blood kind of way.

Next stop on the tour, we hit up a double-kink near SLC's famed Rail Gardens. It’s time for some theme music, so I grab my Mission pack, pull out my headphone beanie, jack in, and tune out. A few minutes later a couple more friends arrive, and the session heats up. Highlights include a switch 50-50 180 out, and Pedro's front board. He took a stair to the noggin' here last season and it's good to see him starting off this season not too phased.

Off again, this time to a monster rail meaningfully dubbed the Bone Yard; this beast doesn’t take kindly to technical slip-ups or lapses in focus, and I’m suddenly wishing for some pads. Jason leads the set with an outrageous full-on nosepress down the entire rail—first try—with the fluid steez that drops jaws and causes everyone to turn it up a notch. Re charges and stomps a backside-270 to board. I can’t even keep up; the steel is honed with this crew.

Mitch and Steve keep hinting about a new spot, so we decide to rally once more before a well-deserved grease-and-eggs fest at OTC. The secret spot turns out to be a super-tech double-set with a top rail that flats out and gaps about six feet to the rail on the lower set. After a fair amount of balking and bashing, Steve nails the transfer with one of the smoothest combos of the session, a back board to front board. Truly mind blowing.

Wisdom, in the form of too many run-ins with Mr. Law, tells us not to press our luck; we pack it in as the sun comes up. Feeling like heroes from an old Western, we each don our shades and head off to a victory feast.