Tips from Dr. Ballz
Coping with Snow Lossby Dr. Harry C. Ballz M.d.
The snow is melting. The resorts are closing. We know you're at home crying in a dark corner, watching all that footage you compiled over the winter. Remember that epic powder day? Remember when what's-his-face wrecked his manhood on that downtown rail? Remember …
Get over it.
The winter may be over, but Dr. Ballz has some tips on how to cope.
Tip 1: Get a Tan (or lose it)
It's going to be mighty hard to forget winter if a ridiculous goggle tan stares back at you every time you look in the mirror.
So go outside sans goggles, get one of those space-age reflector dealies your Aunt Beatrice uses, and even that shit out.
Sit in the basement for a month straight, doing nothing but playing Guitar Hero 'til your tan goes away.
Tip 2: Try New Things ...
... like bush diving AKA hedge bombing. This is a pastime enjoyed by drunken fratboys everywhere.
- Find a nice bush
- Move really fast
- Insert Self
Tip 3: Drown Your Sorrows
Little known fact: Kiddy pools cost next to nothing.
They actually cost nothing if you steal one from the neighbor kids.
Tip 4: Get Active in the Community ...
... by kicking your fellow man's ass at kickball. Kickball's a youngster sport with a grown-up lust for blood. Gather together your most energetic and immature friends and get in on the action. After a grueling game, you can go to the sponsor's headquarters to discuss pitching style over a frosty (and deeply discounted) pitcher of suds, and then go home to dream of big red rubber balls.
Tip 5: Piss Off Soccer Moms
Soccer moms are an irritable bunch—what with all the practices, minivans, and lack of sex. You have a couple options with this one.
Option 1: Bike Hooliganism
Get about 20 people on bicycles and tour through suburban neighborhoods, playing bike tag and blowing kisses at pissed motorists. Driver hats are a welcome irritant, and alley cat races are encouraged. Winners receive beer, messenger bags, new bike frames, and fleeting respect.
Option 2: Skate & Destroy
This is the more traditional choice. You can piss off Mrs. Minivan by (A) blunt sliding her flowerbox, or (B) power sliding down her street on your longboard.
Tip 6: Buy Crap You Don't Need
Since this is, in fact, a retail store, and Dr. Ballz is a shameless corporate whore, you should just fork over some cash and buy stuff to fill the void—you know, the American Way. Stuff from Kicker Fucker Chicken and Airblaster, ninja masks and beer paraphernalia.
Tip 7: Read a Whole Book