"We are confident that we have thoroughly catalogued everything that happened to your mom last night," said the study's senior author. "It includes a number of things previously thought impossible. While a handful of studies have speculated on your mom's nocturnal activities, none have dared or even desired to go into this kind of detail."
The 857-page report includes appendices listing various kitchen appliances and topical anesthetics, among other things. It speculates that what I did to your mom last night may be one of the leading causes of global warming. In response to the study, numerous researchers have asked whether your mom has plans on Saturday.
"This study is the biggest thing that's happened to your mom since... well, I won't go into that," one proponent said. "Your mom is a growing field in experimental research - and when I say growing, I mean 'huge and getting bigger.' This study opens new doors for research into doing things to your mom."
Reactions have varied. One researcher said, "Dude, your mom is hot." Another answered, "****, man, that's some ****ed up ****. Your mom's a ****ing ****. I'd like to **** ***** ***** ***** to ***** a **** and **** with **** shoehorn ****ing **** like a ****."
Critics assailed the study, calling it "unconscionable, unethical, and probably unconstitutional." One critic added, "Your mom is so fat, she couldn't fit in an 857 page study." Other critics argue that the study, and the events that inspired it, are irreproducible. The researchers defended their study, by arguing that your mom's irreproducible.
Your mom, speaking on condition of anonymity, said she was on again for tonight.
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